Change

*dusts off blog*

Hey, everyone! I disappeared there for a while, mainly since GCKC was closed (more on that in a moment). Fear not! I should be able to provide you with some accounts of clumsy ninja-ing in the near future.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. The KC Submission Challenge, for one. It was a big success, so they’re planning another one in April. I worked the tournament and competed in December; I plan to at least work the April tournament, though I’m not sure if I’ll compete this time. I’ll probably write up an account of the December tournament later in which I shall regale you with tales of my glorious and varied sucktasticness.

As I mentioned a few months ago, the school closed down the week of the tournament. At first I thought we were going to find another building, but something better happened. Jonathan let us know what was happening a few weeks ago, but today makes it official. As of March 1st, Ground Control KC is merging with Kansas City BJJ. Internets, this is pretty much the pinnacle of awesomeness! Still, I’m a little nervous.

Awesome!

The consolidation is awesome for a number of reasons. KCBJJ has quality instruction from one of the few (only?) BJJ black belts in the metro area. Jonathan told me they also have a female student who comes occasionally and who might come more often if another girl’s available to work with her. Also, the facility is five minutes up the road from where I work. That makes for a longer commute in the evenings, but once morning classes are offered in April, I’ll be able to get my jits on and then go to the office.

Nervous!

Change is hard for me to deal with … I liked my little school, which had guys I knew I could trust and was five minutes from my home. I’m nervous about trying to fit into a new school and roll with unknown quantities. But I know some of my GCKC guys will be making the switch too—Wes and Steven have been training there for a while—and they’ll keep an eye on me, I hope.

I’m looking forward to getting back in the game. Nervous about it, of course—I’ve rolled informally with a few of the guys who live nearby during the past two months, but my cardio’s nonexistent and I keep forgetting the most basic techniques. I don’t want to be that girl … the one who gasses after one roll and has to be reminded of simple things. More mat time. I needs it.

I am, of course, fighting off a cold, which makes mat time a bad idea at the moment. I’m so lightheaded that I have to look down to make sure I’m not accidentally levitating, ha ha. So I’m going just to drive up to KCBJJ tonight, watch the inaugural class, and start training next week. I might take some notes … aaaand it’s about time for me to go, so I’d better stop typing.

Tournament tomorrow!

After being out sick for two looooong weeks, I came in on Monday feeling kinda crappy but ready to start a week of hard training…only to learn that that was our last day in the building. I knew we were moving, I just didn’t realize it was that soon!

Rolled a bit with Chris and Jonathan. I gassed really quickly and my brain wouldn’t engage. Short class.

I worked out a bit on my own this week and also drew up a fairly simple game plan–about three techniques from each position. There’s nothing I can do about my cardio fitness other than remember to relax and breathe, but I’m hoping I do ok on techniques. I’m not feeling too hot at the moment; have been too stressed to sleep much this week, and my roommate is sniffling AGAIN (allergies? Who knows).

Despite feeling unprepared, I do want to compete, especially since I won’t have many chances to roll this month–the school’s closed for a few weeks while we transition to the new place. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow morning. I’m working the registration desks, so at least I can still help even if I don’t fight.

Aaaand I’m sick

Guess I was coming down with something after all. The sore throat showed up last night; no doubt the usual massive head cold is not far behind. (Who has two thumbs and the worst sinuses ever…?) I’ll have plenty of time this weekend to lie around in bed and watch BJJ instructionals. Or, you know, catch up on Fringe.

If I recover at my normal rate, I’ll have about one week to get ready for the tournament, which was about as long as I had to get ready for my last tournament. Sort of wish I had gone to jits last week. Given how I felt then, I would’ve gotten sick, but would’ve recovered in time to have two weeks of prep. Oh well.

We do have two women signed up for the tournament, neither of whom are in my weight or experience class. One is the blue belt I fought at Blackhawk. Maybe a twelve-year-old girl will show up and need someone to fight. I will represent my school well by crushing her face! Unless she outweighs me, which is (sadly) entirely possible.

Fighting shape

I need to get in fighting shape for this tournament. I’ve been feeling consistently exhausted for the last few weeks, even though I’ve only gone to class intermittently. Am terrified of getting sick. I have such a bad immune system; I catch colds at the drop of a hat. Thought I’d avoided getting whatever my roommates had last week, but I’ve been feeling a tickle in my throat for the past few days.

Eating better is helping. My friend Jennifer knows a lot about nutrition and has informed me I haven’t been consuming enough calories. Those frozen meals, while convenient for the office, do not count as food. I foresee a lot of eggs, salmon, and turkey in my near future. More veggies (bleah) and fruit (woo). Less sugar, and none of it after dark.

Sleeping more would also help. I’ve never been a good sleeper, but I’ve had insomnia for the past few nights, which is just extra fun. Have been a zombie lately. Yesterday I came home after work and crashed for a pre-dinner nap—woke up to darkness, which was quite disconcerting. (Stupid Daylight Savings.) If I could only get one solid night of sleep…!

Besides diet and sleep, there’s the matter of cardio fitness, technique, and game plan. I despair of getting all of those up to snuff in three weeks. Even just doing positional sparring wiped me out and stumped me last week (sweeps and posture breaking eluded me). Felt too nauseous to go through a gauntlet.

I do think my game in general has improved lately. It’s not the training-montage-in-a-movie kind of improvement, but it’s something. When I roll with Jon or Steven, I feel like I know a little jiujitsu. Of course then I roll with one of the bigger/newer guys or have to start from standing—or my training partner hangs back and waits for me to make a move—and then I feel like I know nothing at all. As for how I’ll do in a match against someone my own size…

Every time I think about competing, I get a sinking or lurching feeling in my stomach. I’m convinced I’ll be too reactive or too aggressive, or that I’ll blank out—or that I’ve been so conditioned by just trying to survive underneath the big guys that I won’t realize I can actually do techniques on a smaller person. Trying to tell myself it’ll be good experience doesn’t work; I don’t know yet (and probably won’t know until the day of the tournament) if I’ll even have any matches. One other girl has pre-registered, but she’s not in my weight or experience division.

Argh. I told myself I wasn’t going to get worked up and let the post devolve into whining, but there I go. I really am my own worst enemy. Just stepping out onto the mat is enough to make my instructor and my school proud of me, regardless of whether I fight a blue belt, regardless of whether I lose. I know that. But I set such high standards that I’ve somehow managed to disappoint myself in advance. That’s some serious perfectionism right there. If I weren’t already crying, I’d cry.

Kidding! Not crying! Heh. Though I’ll admit I’m not too happy with my life in general right now. BJJ is one of the few bright spots in my week; when it turns stressful—when my perfectionism makes it stressful—I feel a little cornered.

I think I should have some more homemade soup and cuddle my puppy. Which is what I was doing before I wrote this post, and it seemed to be helping. Technique notes need to be written up, but they can wait.

Edited to add:
I skimmed a few more BJJ blogs and discovered that a bunch of my favorite BJJ chicks/perfectionists have had tough days recently. This post by Allie on dealing with perfectionism really spoke to me.

Pushed

First time back on the mats in two weeks. We talked about our upcoming tournament a bit. I said I’d help with registration regardless of whether I enter. Having something to keep my mind occupied would be quite helpful if I do compete.

Small class, just Steven, Chris, Jonathan, and me. Rusty came in later right when Steven had to leave, so we had an even number of students. Had a light warm-up, then drilled escapes from side control and mount. We rolled a few rounds to end.

This class made me think a lot about how reactive my game is, as opposed to aggressive. Part of that’s not knowing much jiujitsu; part of that’s my personality and dislike of risk-taking. I have some thoughts about that as it relates to Rickson Gracie’s zero point philosophy, but it’d be best for me to write them later.

Rolling

Before Jonathan turned the timer on, he told us to formulate a simple game plan, then try to execute it during rolling. I couldn’t come up with anything on the spot or remember what I’d been working on before I had to take time off. So I was already unsure of and unhappy with myself before I slapped hands.

Two rounds straight with Jon. Started from standing two or three times. I’d been thinking I need to start standing, since if I do compete in the tournament I’ll need to strengthen my takedowns. But my mind was completely blank; all I could remember was the single-leg and it didn’t look like I had any good openings. He kept grabbing at my sleeves and I evaded, until finally he stopped and I think encouraged me to attack. Rusty chipped in too: ”Don’t let him play his game. Play yours.”

I thought, But I don’t have a takedown game! It sounded whiny even in my head, if true, so I didn’t say it.

Eventually we got to the ground somehow and restarted from there for the rest of that round. Worked on taking the back a lot. He walked me through the bow-and-arrow choke and something else similar. I got the two confused—went for one, he stopped me and corrected me, and then I was even more confused.

Second round, started standing again. This roll was really tough. Can’t remember the details, but it seemed like either Jon was making me attack a lot or making me defend a lot. When we restarted at 30 seconds left, I felt like I was going to die. He let me work a bow-and-arrow. I was panting like I’d just run a marathon and could barely finish it—had a little bit of his collar in my fingers, which was somehow enough to make him tap. Then I just lay there gasping. I think he or someone else asked me if I was okay a few times. I don’t know what I said, I just wanted whoever was talking to go away and leave me alone.

Afterward I felt really fuzzy-headed and out of it, a little like you do after getting choked out. Thirty more seconds of rolling and I definitely would have collapsed or possibly passed out.

Jon said he wanted to push me and that I did a good job for being out for two weeks. If I’d been pushed this hard any other week, I would’ve left feeling exhilarated, educated, and challenged. Instead I just wanted to cry. Barely made it out of the gym without tearing up. That’s not Jon’s fault—he hadn’t been going for many submissions or chokes in favor of letting me work, and he’d patiently walked me through some techniques. The thing is that I’ve been stressed about some major life stuff these last few weeks. I don’t want to offer explainations because they will sound like excuses, and things have been getting better lately. Still, I’m emotionally exhausted. Add having no cardio after a long break and being under yet more stress in the shape of psyching myself up for a tournament, and I’m about ready for a meltdown.

But I plan to go to class tomorrow. Things will be better after a good night’s sleep, and when all’s said and done, BJJ is one of the bright spots in my week. What is it about this sport that makes you feel like crap and still compels you to come back for more…?

Techniques below the cut.